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Only Fools and Horses (Unfinished) by Kevin Porter

Opening scene.

Del & Rodney are standing in the living room of the flat inside Nelson Mandela house.
They are both wearing expensive suits although Del's is a bit on the loud side.
It is completely empty except for the carpet and Del's cocktail bar.

Rodney: Come on Del, Lets go, What are we doing 'ere anyway. I can't believe you haven't sold
this flat yet.

Del: In case it's slipped your mind Rodney, It is exactly 1 year ago today that the angels
came down and took our dear ol' Uncle Albert off to be with mum.

Rodney: ( saddened ) Yeah, I know that Del, but why have you brought us here.

Del: Because, Rodney, this was his last real home before he left us, I mean we were only in
the mansion a few weeks when ( pauses ) his ticker gave up. I'd like to think that this was
the one place he could really call home, a nice warm loving place where he was well looked
after and cared for in his final years. ( Rodney gives a look of disbelief )
( Del pauses for a few seconds ) ...and not only that I've got someone coming to look at
this flat in a minute. ( Rodney shakes his head in disbelief ) What time is it.

Rodney: Five to ten.
Who is it, I mean who the hell would want to buy this flat.

Del: Someone who has been out of luck this past year, someone who needed somewhere fast and
someone who has a mate ( points at himself ) who had a flat going cheap.

( Del turns round to look at the man who is now standing in the doorway )

Boycie.

Rodney: Boycie ( surprised ) You're buying this flat.

Boycie: ( strictly ) Not yet I'm not ( Del stands there grinning ) I cannot believe that
I'm reduced to this.

Del: Well Boycie, It's your own fault, getting caught selling dodgy cars.

Boycie: Yeah, but they didn't have to close me down did they.

Rodney: ( strictly ) Boycie, you were selling death traps, they said at the trial
that some of you're cars never had brakes, you were found putting the miles back.

Del: Yeah Boycie, I mean what were you thinking of.

Boycie: What are you on about Del, It was you I bought them off. ( Del puts his finger to
his lips to shut him up )

Rodney: ( shouting ) YOU, you told me you had nothing to do with that deal, you said it was
Monkey Harris and Sunglasses Ron.

Del: It was ( pauses ) I just got the cars for them. ( Rodney turns away in disgust )

Boycie: ( angry ) And now look at me, I've lost my business, my house and most of what I own.

Rodney: ( surprised ) You lost the house, When.

Boycie: They came in last week and took everything, I have to be out by today. ( Rodney
looks at Del again in disgust ) And now look at me I'm forced to live in..., in this.

Rodney: You are some' at else you are Del.

Del: Alright Rodney, Alright, Don't you think I feel guilty enough about what has happened to
Boycie and Marlene, I didn't know those cars were death traps, I bought them in good faith,
I thought I was getting Boycie a good deal, I was well and truly tucked up.

Rodney: Well that doesn't help Boycie and Marlene does it.

Del: That's why I'm letting Boycie and Marlene have this flat for nothin' ( Boycie and Rodney
both look at Del ) I feel partly responsible for what happened Boyce so I'm giving you this
flat for nothin.

Boycie: ( stutters in surprise ) Well.... Del... I dun no what to say.

Del: Well.. I can afford it. ( Rodney sighs )

Boycie: ( Through clenched teeth ) Well, what can I say....Thanks Del.

SIDS CAFE

Trigger & Denzil are sat at one of the tables inside Sid's cafe. Sid walks over and almost
throws 2 plates of food onto the table.

Sid: There you go, 2 full English breakfast's ( Denzil & Trigger look at it disgusted )

Denzil: Is that what you call it. ( pauses a few seconds ) Sid, I'm amazed you've stayed in
business this long.

Sid: You don't have to eat it.

Denzil: Too right I don't, Only an idiot would eat that. ( They both look at Trigger who is
eating away quite happily ) Trigger, How can you eat that ( points to something burnt that is
on Triggers plate ) Do you know what that actually is.

Trigger: ( pauses ) No

Denzil: How do you know it isn't poisonous.

Trigger: I don't, but I've been coming in 'ere for years and I always have a full English
breakfast.

Denzil: And the sight of that ( points at Triggers breakfast ) doesn't put you off.

Trigger: A bit

Denzil: So why are you eating it

Trigger: I dun no really, I've already had me breakfast, but this is a cafe so I thought I'd
better order something. I'd feel a bit stupid just sat here reading the paper. ( Camera switches
to a shot of the whole cafe showing 7 people sat at different tables all reading newspapers )

( Del and Rodney walk in, Del sits next to Denzil and Rodney sits next to Trigger. )

Del: ( shout over towards Sid ) A full English breakfast please Sid. ( pats his stomach with
both hands )

Sid: coming up Del

Del: ( looking at Denzil's plate ) What's that?

Denzil: A full English breakfast ( Del & Rodney both look disgusted )

Del: Ehh, second thoughts Sid, I'm tryin' to loose a bit of weight, just make that a cup of tea

Rodney: And for me Sid

Denzil: So, How's tricks then Del

Del: Not to bad, went down to the cemetery early this morning, you know, to see Grandad and
Uncle Albert, pay our respects, It doesn't seem like a year since Albert left us.

Denzil: S'pose not.

Del: At least they're back with each other now, brothers together.

Rodney: Del, they didn't speak to each other for years, they're most probably sat up there now
with there backs to each other.

Del: ( With a little smile on his face ) Stubborn ol' gits

Sid brings over two teas and puts them on the table.

Del: Cheers Sid

Del: By the way Denzil, I've got a job for you for this afternoon.

Denzil: I've told you Del, I'm thinking of going it alone again.

Del: Why, I thought you were happy working for Trotters Independent Traders.

Denzil: I am Del, I just want a bit of freedom, Y'know be me own boss again.

Del: But you've only been with us for 6 months. I thought you wanted to work for us.

Denzil: I thought so to Del, but you've only ever given me one job.

Del: Well, y'know how things are Denzil, we've only just registered Trotters Independent
Traders as a pucker business, these things take time to get started.

Denzil: But I'm supposed to be your courier, delivering and picking up your stock, and so far
the only job you've given me was to drive those cars over to Boysie.

Del: You got paid well didn't you.

Denzil: Yeah, And I'm grateful Del, but I want more to do, I'm bored.

Del: Well I've got a job lined up for this afternoon. Are you interested

Denzil: Doing what?

Del: I need you to help a client move into his new flat.

Denzil: ( slightly annoyed ) Del, I'm a courier, I drive, I deliver things, I'm not a removal
expert.

Del: Well you will be delivering something ( pauses ) furniture.

Denzil: But Del I cant lift beds and wardrobes on my own. When you asked me to come and work
for you, you said I would be delivering your stock, I thought I'd be delivering mobile phones,
computers, video's and stuff like that, Not whole houses of furniture.

Del: Don't worry Denzil, I'll get you the right van and some help. ( pauses ) Rodney, you're not
doing anything this afternoon are you.

Rodney: ME,..... On your bike, the days when I did all your dirty work are long gone, I'm a
millionaire, I do not move furniture. ( Del & Denzil look at each other )

Del: Oh shut up you snobby little git. It's only for one afternoon, and I'll be helping as well.
Trigger, D'you fancy it.

Trigger: Yeah, alright Del, I wouldn't mind a bit of extra cash.

Del: Good boy Denzil, you know it makes sense, come on then, I told Boysie we'd be there by 11

Denzil: ( Alarmed ) Boysie, you mean we're helping him move house.

Del: Yeah, well he's had a rough time aint 'e and I said I'd help 'im out didn't I.

Denzil: Yeah I suppose you're right.

Trigger: I didn't know Boycie & Marlene were moving.

Del: Oh yeah, they've got a lovely little flat, haven't they Rodders.

Rodney: Hmmm t'riffic

THE NAG'S HEAD

The pub is quite full..... Raquel & Cassandra are sat at one of the table's, Mike is stood
behind the bar.

Raquel: What time did they say they would be here?

Cassy: They should be here any minute.

Raquel: So has Rodney told you yet what this new deal they've got lined up is?

Cassy: No, not yet, It's all a bit secretive isn't it.

Raquel: I know, It scares me.

Cassy: Why should it scare you.

Raquel: Well its the first time we've all had a lot of money, the first time we've all been
really happy and had nothing to worry about.

Cassy: Yes

Raquel: And Del says he has a deal which will make us billionaires, doesn't that worry you.

Cassy: No, Why should it. Maybe he has.

Raquel: Can you ever remember del having a good deal. Look what happened with the last deal
with Boycie.

Cassy: ( with a look of despair ) Oh god you're right, we could loose everything.

Raquel: I know.

Del: ( loud ) Michael, A bottle of champagne please. Alwright sweetheart. ( kisses Raquel )

Raquel: Yeah, Did you get all Boycie & Marlene's stuff moved OK.

Del: Yeah, It was a piece of cake.

Rodney Walks over and kisses Cassy. ( He is filthy )

Rodney: For you Del yes, look at the state of the rest of us. ( Denzil & Trigger walk over and
are as filthy as Rodney )

Raquel: I thought you were helping them as well Del?

Del: I did, I did my share.

Rodney: ( amazed ) You did your share,...... You spent the first 2 hours on the phone and then
spent the rest of the day talking to Boycie.

Del: Listen Rodney, I had to talk to Boycie, I had to tie up some loose ends on a ( pauses )
little deal we have going.

( Everybody looks at each other )

Everybody: WHAT DEAL?

Del: Sshh, sshhh, keep your voices down will ya, this is top secret, I don't want the whole of
Peckham to hear of it.

Rodney: Del, What are you playing at.

Del: Don't worry Rodney all will be revealed shortly. ( rubs his hands together with delight )

( Mike walks over from the bar and puts a bottle of champagne and several glasses on the table)

Del: All in good time Michael, All in good time.

( Boycie & Marlene enter the pub )

Del: Ahhh Boycie.

( Del & Boycie walk slightly away from the rest and whisper to each other, Marlene sits between
Raquel and Cassandra )

Denzil: Do' you know what this is all about Marlene.

Marlene: Beats me, Boycie just said that he and Del had an announcement to make.

( Del and Boycie walk back towards the table )

Rodney: Come on then Del, are you gonna tell us what this is all about?

Del: Well, I wanted you all here to tell you this as it concerns all of you, You are all aware
that Boycie has had his problems lately.

Trigger: Yeah, Marlene said something about that the other day.

( Boycie glares at Trigger )

Del: Anyway, me and Boycie have been talking and we have found a deal that will suit all of us.

Everybody: WHAT DEAL?

Del: We have bought ( pauses )......

Rodney: Come on Del, Bought what?

Del: This pub ( Smiles )

( Everybody has a look of total shock )

Mike: ( slowly and sternly ) You've bought this pub.

Del: ( with his arms up and backing off slowly ) Now Michael, before you jump the gun, hear me
out.

Mike: Of all the people.

Raquel: How could you...?

Rodney: ...To one of our friends.

( Slight pause )

Trigger: Congratulations Del

( Everybody turns to give Trigger a glaring but confused look )

Del: Mike, sit down..., just come and sit down for a minute.

( Mike sits down looking very angry )

Del: You remember last month when Boycie was in jail.

Boycie: In police custody if you don't mind Del.

( Del looks at Boycie confused )

Del: That's the same thing aint it.

Mike: Which pub?

Del: This one.

Denzil: ( shocked ) This one........Why?

Del: I dun no, perhaps they felt like a change of scenery.
Boycie had some money tucked away for a rainy day and was going to use it to re-launch his
second hand car empire.
Then I suggested to him that we should try and buy the pub so that it stays with the regulars.

Boycie: So we had the paperwork written up and completed the deal with the brewery this morning

Rodney: So that's where you went earlier. Why didn't you tell us all this instead of keeping it
such a secret.

Del: We couldn't tell anyone about this Rodney in case the Driscoll brothers found out. We had
to do the deal as quickly as possible.

Mike: Yeah, yeah, This is all very well but what happens to me, I'm out of a job.

Del: No your not Michael, Come on, I mean what do me and Boycie know about running a pub.

Mike: So I'll still be running the bar.

Del: of coarse Mike, what kind of a bloke do you think I am, We did this for you.

Mike: You did all this for me.

Del: Well yeah,....... And for the rest of us.

Rodney: Yeah, so where do we fit into all this then Del.

Del: Well rodders, we are now part owners of a pub.

Rodney: ( shouts ) WE?

Del: Yeah, You don't think I'd cut my kid brother out of a deal like this do ya.

Rodney: ( sternly ) Del, I don't want to own a third of a pub.

Del: It's too late Rodders I signed a cheque in your name this morning.

( Raquel and Cassandra looked shocked )

Rodney: You did what?

Del: It's alright Rodders there's no need to thank me.

Rodney: Thank you? What gives you the right to take money out of my account.

Del: Look Rodders, I thought you'd want to help Mike out and make a bit of money at the same
time.

Rodney: Yeah but....

Del: Well then,.......... Just think you are now part owner of a pub.

Rodney: ( With a smug grin on his face ) Yeah.

Del: Drinks all round then Mike.

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